As I sit down to write, really write, for the first time in a very long time, I realize how much my life has changed since I last shared my writing. Since the start of my sophomore year of college, I have begun a new regimen to support my mental health and decided to take (indefinite) time off from school in order to dive head first into the professional theatre world.
In addition to the wonderful evolution that has taken place in my personal sphere, including interpersonal progress, affirmation of family, and a ton of intentional self-love, I think that I have finally grown into the person I have always wanted to be. Of course, things are never perfect, and I have to work on my financial management and communication skills, but overall... I dunno, life is just really special right now.
I have had the past two years to process my grandmother's death, and all the lessons that came to us during her time in hospice care. All the stories, the goodbyes, the realizations. I still carry with me a piece of that experience every single day. It is there in the way that I care for my friends, the way that I choose to live in the moment, and the way that I look at the concept of "family."
This summer, I have been attempting to write out a reflection on that experience, and on my grandmother, my PawPaw in general. It is hard not to get wrapped up in single significant instances. I find myself perpetually distracted by the many fascinating details of her life, as well as the intricacies of my memories of her.
When I made the decision to take time off from college, I had been in a rough place for a while. I was constantly stressed, unhappy, and feeling as if I was climbing stairs to nowhere with regard to the career I wanted to follow- a career that my PawPaw had always enthusiastically encouraged me to pursue. With the help of some wise mentors and supportive friends/family, I came to the conclusion that it was time for me to throw myself into my dreams.
A little worried at the reaction I might get from family members, I tentatively announced to my grandfather (whose vulnerability since PawPaw's passing has humanized him to me more than I could have imagines) that I would be taking time away from school to pursue auditions and performance/choreographic opportunities. Knowing my PawPaw had valued higher education, I worried that this news might come as a disappointment, or at least spark some severe concern.
To my surprise, he smiled and said, "That's wonderful. Good for you." He asked me what my goals are in the world of theatre, and told him: to perform and dance as much as I can, and eventually choreograph. "I just want to tell stories." His smile broadened, and with actual tears in his eyes, he said, "You have no idea how happy I am to hear that."
To have such support and such faith from him was all I needed to feel that I am ready to live the life I imagined. I am so lucky that the thing I want to do does not require a degree to succeed- only hard work, passion, and a willingness to learn and grow in any setting. I am also lucky that I have a support system that values and respects the arts. My family and friends see that art requires intelligence and skill. They understand that art can change the world, or at least tell stories, provide emotional support, and fuel our souls.
I will certainly return with more musings on art and my PawPaw, but for now, I just felt that I had to project some of my gratitude out into the universe. I am so, so thankful for the opportunities that have been placed before me, and for the love and lessons that brought me to a place where I feel secure throwing caution to the wind and leaping into uncertainty. Cheers to new beginnings.
