jealous of the moon

 These past few days have been full of emotion for me. Mostly doubt, but also a little fear and a lot of guilt over not being able to motivate myself to just get up and do something I love. I think that I've allowed myself to get a little lazy, which is something that happens to even the best of us at some point.

That's not to say that we should allow ourselves to be lax. We should figure out WHY we are feeling lethargic and apathetic so that we can fix ourselves up and enjoy our passions again.

And that's not necessarily easy. Sometimes I find myself completely unmotivated to work to achieve my dreams, mostly because I am just so incredibly exhausted. But exhaustion is not an excuse for not giving something your all.

While a big part of my problem, I don't think that laziness is the reason why I feel unmotivated sometimes. I think that I might be scared of what will happen if I do try. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of how I might feel if things don't work out as I hope they will.

But that's no way to live my life. You can't do anything if you are too afraid to try. Sure, I talk the talk and play up dreaming and working hard and never giving up, but I am really just another girl who doesn't always follow that. I am being hypocritical. I am being dishonest to you all, and to myself. And I have to change that.

I challenge the sky with my dreams. I really do.

I try to imagine a life for myself full of rainbows and music and happiness. I dream up a life where I achieve everything I put my mind to. Where I never have to worry about anything. Where I am happy and have done everything I ever set out to do.

In reality, I know that place can't exist. But I still have real dreams. Real hopes and real desires. Ideals that I COULD achieve if I really tried. And I mean honestly try, the kind of trying that takes over you and makes accomplishment inevitable.

But I continue to allow myself to be scared. And if this keeps up I will never get anywhere in accomplishing my goals. I want to change myself and the way I work. I know I have to if I am going to do any of the things I want to. Because I won't reach my goals if I don't take steps towards them.

I will stay exactly where I am until I push myself out of this sorry state and start being a little more fearless. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what I'm afraid of. I know in my head that I might fall a few times. It's just a matter of getting my heart to believe it.