i will write you a song

(somehow this got deleted, but it's one of my favorites, so I'm re-posting :)

*originally published Saturday, December 8, 2012*

Six years ago, I was given a letter accompanied by a little flower pot with gorgeous red designs on the sides and an elegant red flower in it. The letter was written to me by two people who are very near and dear to my heart. They have inspired me my whole life, and I still consider them to be family, even though we aren't related by blood.

"We hope that you keep believing in yourself and all of the great things you can achieve. Always follow your heart and don't let anything stand in the way of your dreams."

Their letter provided the foundation for the next six years of my life. It may not have been intentional, but their words follow me every day. They told me how much they believed in me. They told me that I was wonderful and to follow my dreams till the end of the earth.

That letter hangs on my wall to this day, reminding me every morning how to look at life, to always follow my heart. I was so flattered by the letter that I have taken words as my own, if that makes sense. That piece of paper is the reason I write this blog. It's the reason I've always loved writing thoughtful notes to friends. Those two people do not realize how much they have affected me.

Now, I'm not entirely sure why I'm sharing this with you. But, I feel I owe these people a gigantic thank-you. They made me believe that I could lasso the moon if I wanted to, and to this day, thinking about their words makes me feel invincible.

I would like to think that my words have done the same for some people. I know, that's slightly arrogant and possibly bordering on pompous, but I know firsthand the power of a heartfelt message, and I want everyone to feel the same joy I felt when I received that letter.

Words can really change the way someone sees a situation.

Your words have the power to help someone else find some inspiration, even if they aren't in a bad place. Just please consider telling the people you love how much you believe in them. I know that is tacky and outdated and super schmaltzy, but I don't think the world sees enough honest praise.

All I see is a bunch of criticism coming from every direction, and a HIGHLY impersonal notion that everyone is "special," without any real evidence to make us believe it.

If people were unafraid to tell each other how highly they think of each other, without fear of seeming fake or cheesy, the world would be a lot more happy. I think so, anyway. Just consider it.

rarely pure and never simple

I (unconsciously) started writing as a kind of self-therapy. Not for any specific ailment, just some stressors that I have since affectionately dubbed “side effects of living.” At thirteen, I was your stereotypical teenage girl, plagued by stock anxiety problems, negative body image, and no idea where I wanted to go in my life.

I started writing for myself. It wasn’t an intentional exercise. Most of what I wrote was never meant to be (and never was) shared. Writing was (and still is) my way of sifting through my thoughts and trying to make sense of my feelings and the world around me.

The decision to start a blog had two reasons backing it.  1) I wanted a place to catalogue my writing, and 2) honestly, I just wanted to play around with fonts and backgrounds. I created a bio for myself, carefully chose my color scheme, and plastered a personally significant phrase on the URL. And that’s all the simplicity I needed. I never imagined that it might evolve into something that I would willingly share with people.

But it has become just that. Don’t get me wrong- I do NOT write to please others, to influence other’s opinions, or to gain some kind of unaccredited cyber-fame. But over the course of those first few posts, I ended up coming to the realization that writing gives you power.

I’m not talking exclusively about political power or social control, though writing does have strong influence in those arenas. Because we need words to communicate and articulate. Language and communication are the starting points for change. There’s personal change, of course, which leads to changes in relationships, communities, societies, and eventually, evolution on a global level. Yes, it’s incredibly over-said, but change starts on a microscopic level and ripples out, exponentially affecting progress.

Aside from the long term developments that literary musings can enact, writing (and reading) provide a platform for changing your beliefs, interpreting your thoughts, and compartmentalizing abstract concepts. When you write, you have complete control. Writing is empowerment. Because somebody is bound to listen eventually. Even if you don’t plan for anyone to hear.

One thing I've realized is that everyone, regardless of how it may seem most of the time, has something valuable and valid to share. Whether that is through writing or music or scientific research, every individual needs a way of expressing themselves. I've been lucky enough to find more than one, but the most personally specific is writing.

Writing helped me come to the conclusion that there is no better way to live than to do what you love. It gives me a chance to understand myself and figure out the people around me. I know I will never know everything I want to know, and I definitely will never be able to save any of the people I see struggling, and I most certainly can’t expect to agree entirely with my current self if I look back on my own words ten years from now. But that’s alright. Because for right now, I have this. I have coffee shop napkins and post-it notes. I have Microsoft Word and countless half-filled notebooks. And I have the ability to write as many letters and unpublished blog posts as I want.

Honestly, that is what I cherish most about writing. It doesn't have to be for anyone but yourself.

as they dissipate like snowflakes in an ocean

Forgive yourself each night and recommit every morning.

You must allow your cares to dissipate. You will find that it is necessary to let some things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. Everything will resolve in its own time. We as a society are very uncomfortable with the idea of leaving without closure. But not every situation needs to be tied up before you leave it behind. It's really difficult for us to let go.

But letting go is not the same as giving up. Just as disappointment is not synonymous with discouragement.

It simply isn't worth it to waste your time and energy on problems that you can't fix or people who don't give you the time of day. It's pointless to wallow in stress over events of the past. At the same time, it is futile to chase people. Those who are meant to be in your life will find their way back to you on their own. Let go of relationships that no longer can teach you. Life is meant to spent doing what fulfills you, with people who you feel happy around.

Stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love. Surround yourself instead with people whom you desire to emulate. People who care about your opinions and respect your actions. People who may or may not implicitly understand you, but who are open to getting to know who you truly are. These are the people who deserve your attention. You shouldn't feel that you have to apologize for yourself.

"You didn't come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you'll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of messing up. Often. You didn't come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous."

let the sun shine

Some people are just so bright and joyful that their happiness is infectious. It's just in their nature. It seems impossible that a person could be so positive all the time, but some people manage to pull it off. I often find that I either envy or am annoyed by people like this. But I've realized that there is nothing wrong with being a truly iridescent individual.

Teenagers in today's world are expected to have angst and sulk the days away. We are predicted to be sullen and moody, and make huge deals out of nothing. We are looked down upon for those qualities. But I'm realizing that most people don't age out of the angst and despair. A lot of adults harbor those same characteristics. So why aren't we being taught how to manage our emotions now and flip our perspective on the world so that life will be more bearable- enjoyable even?

I've just decided that since I am the only person who can determine how I feel, I shouldn't waste my time being mad at myself or worrying about stupid high school drama or feeling socially awkward or missing people who have drifted away.

Certainly, every emotion is valid, and every thought deserves to be honored, but negativity is often amplified to a level that is probably unhealthy. I know that I think myself in circles and get caught up in the complications of insignificant situations. I realize that I let myself get wrapped up in crazy ideas that end up hurting me when expectations and reality don't meet. I understand that a lot of my thoughts and moods are the result of teen angst, but I also believe that's not the only factor. And I know I'm not the only person who sees it that way.

"Pain and suffering are all too often side effects of an intelligent mind and a sensitive soul." Someone very wise said that once. I think that those who are most perceptive or see the most pain in the world around them are often brought down by the sadness. They live in fear and sorrow, whether they realize it or not. I think sometimes we feel as if we don't deserve to think positively. Optimism is viewed as unrealistic or silly, because if things don't work out as hoped, feelings get hurt.

The reality is that people will leave. Promises will be broken. Things will fall to pieces. It's just a fact. And as sad as that is, we can't let the sorrows of the world crush our spirits. I'm just so tired of being down all the time. It breaks my heart to see people I care about hurting. It makes me sad to watch the news or to hear about the pain of other people's lives. And I don't believe that empathy is wrong. It is important to feel the bad things and be there to support those who need you. However, we cannot let the negatives pile up and make it impossible for me to see how beautiful everything else is.

Our society has a way of shaming people for anything. Whether it is for being too sad or too enthusiastic- it is as if feeling has become a sin. But the way I see it, life consists entirely of feeling and the lessons that come with it.

That said, I'm trying to make a point of not letting my thoughts turn sour, because negativity never helped anyone. Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Even when things get messy -especially when things get messy-, I want to be the warm yellow light that washes over the people I love.

Stop resisting the positive just because you feel you don't deserve it. Cheer up, cause in the grand scheme of things, none of these little things really matter. Grades are fairly inconsequential. Some relationships are worth letting go. You have to respect yourself enough to let go of the things that no longer help you grow or make you happy. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy, to view their world positively, to be infectiously joyful. We just have to figure out how to manage our outlook.

When it comes down to it, life is hard. Inevitably, bad crap happens. But life goes on, and we can't let the bad stuff pile up. Because while life can be incredibly painful, it is also unbelievably beautiful. If all it takes is a few deep breaths and a glistening sunrise to help you out of a funk, be sure to utilize those. The world is a gigantic, gorgeous place, and light can be found in every corner, even within ourselves. We just have to find it.

Be iridescent.

if you were falling

Sometimes people surprise you.

You wind up talking to someone you would never have spoken to before, and over the course of one conversation you have made a new friend. This week, I've been lucky enough to experience many great conversations with people I already love, as well as a few unexpected friends who popped up right when I needed them.

It's nice to be reminded of how wonderful people can be. And how everyone has layers, even those who seem vapid or unkind. We tend to compare our inner selves to what we perceive of other people's outside personas. Which is tragic because that comparison often leads to self-deprecation.

The reality is, every person has a mess inside their heads, just like you and me. I know that's terribly cheesy, but it is the truth. We go through our day not really considering other people's inner monologues. The issue is, perception becomes reality. And more often than not, perception is flawed. And that's not a bad thing, it just makes for a skewed vision of the world.

We thrive on human interaction, whether we care to admit it or not. And when our reactions are closer and more detailed, it becomes easier to understand others. More importantly, it becomes easier to understand yourself. Because sometimes all it takes to sort out a problem is someone to listen.
And if you're lucky, someone will reach out when you need it most.


I'm not religious, but I believe in guardian angels. In some capacity anyway. I think that everyone touches your life for a reason, and it's important to acknowledge the influence that people have on you.

Every family member, every friend, every teacher has something to offer you. Whether that is through blatant advice, or being involved a more difficult situation that leads to life lessons, there are things to be learned from everyone.

I'm lucky to have people in my life who ground me and inspire me at the same time. I'm lucky to have an amazing support system full of witty, kind individuals who understand me. I know that I have a spectacular group of people surrounding me whom I love more dearly than words can express. And I'm fortunate enough to have that group growing each day.

It may not always feel like it, but they are there. There to make sure I'm running to something and not away from anything. There for me to vent my angst to. There to give me reality checks and still encouraging me to chase my fanciful dreams.

Inevitably, we all face challenges and tragedies and confusion and anxiety. It's just a fact of living. But having those people there makes it a lot easier to keep going through whatever darkness we've met this time.

It is better to stumble than to fall down completely. And friends are meant to keep us afloat.

I know this isn't the case for everyone, but I do believe that everyone has some form of support system, whether they realize it or not. There is always someone who cares. There is always someone who will listen. It's just a matter of realizing who those people are.

a transmission on the midnight radio

It's been almost a year and a half since I was introduced to the musical that changed my life. A wonderful dance teacher played her favorite song from it and I fell in love. Hedwig and the Angry Inch was not well known yet, so as I watched the movie and listened to the rest of the soundtrack, I had no idea what to expect.

 But in the time since I started listening to Hedwig, I feel like I've grown up so much and found ways of coping with life that I would never have developed had it not been for this beautiful piece of art.


Hedwig and the Angry Inch is performed like a concert, the story told by Hedwig herself through monologue form, interspersed with music. It tells the story of a "slip of a girly boy" from Communist East Berlin who has loved punk rock and philosophy since she was young. Born a boy (named Hansel), Hedwig falls in love with an American G.I. and undergoes a sex change operation in order to marry him and flee to the West. She takes her mother's name and passport. Unfortunately, nothing works out as it was supposed to: the operation was botched, leaving Hedwig neither man nor woman, and her husband leaves on their first anniversary.

Soon after, the Berlin Wall falls, proving Hedwig's sacrifice for freedom to be pointless. Hedwig, who has been searching all of her life for her "other half," falls in love with a young boy named Tommy Speck. Under her guidance, Tommy blossoms into a confident, talented young musician. They write music together, and Hedwig renames him Tommy Gnosis (the Greek word for knowledge) in tribute to his religious background.

Hedwig believes Tommy is her prophesied other half- the one her soul was separated from according to Aristophanes' speech about the origin of love in Plato's Symposium. But as Tommy's fame skyrockets, he leaves Hedwig and takes the music she had written, calling it his own. Bitter and lonely, Hedwig starts her own band and travels around the country, following Tommy's tour. She tells her story and eventually (after a seriously theatrical mental breakdown) realizes that perhaps she doesn't need to find her other half at all: "there's no mystical design, no cosmic lover preassigned," and begins to understand that her other half has been a part of herself all along.

In the final song of the show, Hedwig has found peace with herself and urges her audience to do the same, singing that we are all "transmissions on the midnight radio," like the songs she listened to as a young child in Berlin. She sings to "the misfits and the losers" reminding us all that we need nothing but ourselves.


Needless to say, this musical is a combination of inappropriate humor, brilliant music, an incredible character arc, and enough inspiration to last a lifetime.

Yes, it's risque and raunchy, but there is so much more to it than a punk rocker jumping around in women's clothes, singing about her botched sex change operation- it's a love story. One less about chemical romance and more focused on the realization that simply existing as one's own individual is the best reality. We can be complete without anyone else or their approval.

Hedwig is about throwing caution to the wind and accepting change as it comes, realizing that "Who I Am" is not a fixed point: we are all evolving people, constantly bent and nourished by the world around us. Hedwig taught me versatility, flexibility, and the brutal honesty needed to successfully grow into the people we are meant to be. She challenged this belief our society seems to hold, the idea that we have to know exactly who we are.

There is so much pressure to know "who you are" and where you are going. Life can seem like a constant struggle to find the balance between staying true to your identity and allowing yourself to be shifted by your environment, circumstances, and the people around you. The thing most people don't realize is that it's okay not to know who you are yet, as long as you are able to claim independence from the things you don't believe in.

There is a song called Wig in a Box, which basically says that all you have to do in times of stress is turn up the music, pull yourself together, and carry on. Because in the end, holding on to pain only makes everything else uglier.

Lately, I've been needing a lot of Hedwig, and I am so thankful to have the inspiration that she provides. School is stressful, friendships are difficult, and maintaining a positive outlook might be the biggest struggle of all. But whenever I feel down, the lessons from this show find their way back to me somehow.

Listening to that final song, Midnight Radio, reminds me that no one can determine who I am or how I feel. And more importantly, it reminds me that everyone feels like a misfit or a loser sometimes, and that's okay. I think we're all a little confused or broken inside, but that's beautiful because love helps mend the broken pieces. Sometimes we just don't realize that the love we need to mend ourselves has been within us all along.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxqGzVHcfmk

it moves us all

Life is composed of moments that can change everything, for better or worse. A terrible accident takes place in mere seconds, and yet the tragic outcome of that changes an entire community forever. But in the same amount of time, vows can be exchanged and two people become intertwined in each other's lives in the most joyous of ways.

It's so ironic, how you can look to one corner and see laughter and smiles, while right on the other side tears are being shed. This may seem unjust, but the duality of such extreme situations brings hope. The world will always continue, and life will always go on, no matter how tragic one event is.

The sad moments never get easy, but keeping in mind that there are good days to come certainly doesn't hurt. Every night brings a bright day. The cycle is endless- some people just spend more time in one phase or another.

Weddings are celebrated and babies grow up. Relationships end and people get sick. Sometimes I get angry because it seems wrong to celebrate anything during times of pain. But celebrating life may be even more important during times of strife. Granted, the two don't always coincide for the same people, but we are all connected, and our celebrations and losses ripple out, touching everyone we know.

It isn't right or wrong- that's just how the world works. There is always good to balance negative. And for every happy occasion, there is another less fortunate event happening elsewhere. It probably isn't some set system based on checks and balances, meant to keep the universe even. It just happens that wonderful and horrible moments are constantly occurring.

It is essential that we find beauty in all the calm moments and hold on to hope through the tough times. Because life keeps chugging along, whether we want it to or not. One minute can be full of joy and the next could seem unbearable. There's nothing to do about that except appreciate the peaceful times and learn from the tumult that inevitably befalls every one of us.

No one is expected to always keep their head up through dark moments. Conversely, no one has to cherish every second of non-tragic times. We all just have to remember that life goes on no matter what. And we will go on with it.

leave a little light on

It seems to me that the most wonderful people never see their own worth. They hide their brilliance behind insecurity and confusion. They doubt their talents and social abilities. They constantly tear themselves down, while at the same time inspiring and caring for others.

The most beautiful souls are often the most tortured. These are the people who stay awake far past midnight, worrying about things both in and out of their control. These are the people who are there for everyone else but can't find a way to be there for themselves. These are the people always saying "sorry" when they don't need to.

But you wouldn't necessarily know that. Because everyone does their best to mask their insecurities. Some people use physical aspects like makeup or clothing. Others use humor or aggression. Everyone has a soul toupee- some people's are just less obvious.

I have some truly fantastic people in my life, and half of them may never really believe that they are as wonderful as they are. Some don't have confidence in their exceptional talents, despite loads of evidence to the contrary. Some don't realize how valuable their caring and friendship is to others. Some simply can't see how worthy they are of respecting themselves. To me, seeing someone who doesn't respect themselves as much as they respect others is the saddest thing in the world.

Insecurity comes from many places, but once it's there it's really hard to change. Regardless of how many times someone tries to tell you how talented or beautiful or smart you are, chances are your opinion of yourself won't change.

Certainly, modesty is an important virtue, but humility should come a sense of reality. You have to be honest with yourself, even if that means admitting that you are an extraordinary human being in the eyes of others.

No matter how insecure you are, you have to leave a little room to forgive yourself. You can't deem yourself a bad person based on a single mistake. You can't continue to believe that you are untalented or unworthy. You can't cheat yourself out of opportunity based on an overwhelming fear of rejection, however valid that fear may seem.

You can't believe that you are going to hurt everyone in your life simply because you can't stop pushing away from yourself. Leave yourself just a portion of the hope you have for others, please. Because the people who love and understand you only hope that you learn to quiet your insecurities and treat yourself with the same respect you give others.