if you have love in your heart, let it show while you can

I've been going back and forth on whether I should say anything in response to the terrible shooting in Newtown, Connecticut this past Friday. It is still a raw subject, with so much political controversy and mixed opinions about how we as a society should handle this tragedy. It's been eating away at me though, and if I write something now, maybe I will better understand the whole situation.

This post isn't going to be about the morality of the situation, or the politics surrounding its reception, or the absolute horror that these people have experienced. No, I don't want to make this about what happened that was wrong. I want to tell the world what I think we should take from this awful event.

I cannot fathom how the community in Newtown is feeling right now, and I will not try to, because this is a very personal and emotional experience for all of them, and trying to empathize too much, I feel, would be like an intrusion on their privacy.

What I do know is how I felt when I saw the news article. My stomach dropped, and my heart stopped for a second. I was overcome by this sudden sadness and feeling of absolute hopelessness. Even now, I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. And I don't think we all need to know exactly what to think about this.

Some things are better left unanalyzed.

I have seen a lot of Facebook statuses and heard a lot of people talking about how this has made them really treasure what they have. And I think that is wonderful. Yes, this is a horrible event, but it has reminded us to cherish what we have.

I recently downloaded the new Avett Brothers album, The Carpenter, and have been listening to it sporadically all week. Friday afternoon, I was listening to one song that I had never really paid much attention to before. When I heard it, I listened to the lyrics for the first time, and I found myself in tears at how strongly this song relates to the shooting.

The song is called "Through My Prayers." As you can imagine, it talks about someone who has passed away. The narrator says that he and that person had been fighting right before the person died and now his only chance to talk to that person is through his prayers. The narrator feels regretful that he allowed the person to slip away without reconciling, even though he knows they loved each other. He warns the listener that "if you have love in your heart, let it show while you can."

The song itself is absolutely, heart-wrenchingly beautiful, but the thing that got me was that line. It hit me in that moment that this is what I was going to take away from this event. I don't think I have been as caring as I could be, lately. I've been busy and stressed out, which is fine and normal, but I haven't necessarily shown all the love that I can.

Whatever religion you are, you can at least see the meaning of this song, and I can't help but feel as if the timing of the shooting and my listening to the song are not a coincidence. Whatever the circumstances, we can all learn from what this song has to tell us.

Love each other. It's really that simple. Be it your family, your friends, your teachers, or even complete strangers like a bus driver or a waitress, just be kind. Show that you are thankful to have each other. Let people know you love them, that they are appreciated. And you don't have to do this just because you may not see the person again. That's not the point. the point is to live and love as fully and wholly as you can, because you will simply enjoy life more, and you may change the way someone else feels with that love.

So, as you go through this holiday season and see the Facebook debates and news coverage, please keep this song in the back of your mind. It may not heal the pain, but you might find something strong to hold onto in the lyrics. My thoughts and prayers are with Newtown, CT.

awful sweet to be a little butterfly

"Some days you are feeling good. Some days you are feeling bad. That's okay. It just means you are alive."

Wise words from my amazing ballet teacher, who, every now and then, will come up with one of these poignantly profound little 'isms that blow my mind. It's the simplest statement, really. Something that we all know and have heard some variation of our entire lives.

But something about the way my teacher said that really struck me. It sums up everything I've been trying to convey to the world for the past few months. This whole blog is about trying to get people to realize that they don't have to be perfect all the time. That we all have our ups and downs, and that there is always good that can come from the bad stuff.

Sometimes I just want someone to come up to me and say, "Hey. I know you're having a bad day. It'll be okay. This is what life is. This is how you grow. This is how you turn into the person you want to be."

This blog is my way of telling the world that it's okay to have bad times. My way of saying that you're allowed to be weak for a bit. I want to make sure people understand that there is always going to be something in your way, but you can get past it, with time and patience and in your own way.

I'm trying to remind you that you are human, so you're not always going to have the maximum energy and you're not always going to be rich and you're not always going to feel like you can make it any further. But the beauty of being human is that you are constantly changing, just like the rest of nature. Which means that you have a new opportunity every day to take on the world however you see fit that day.

I think I write to tell people what I wish I could hear sometimes. We all need support, whether we choose to admit it or not. Some of us are more willing to ask for help than others, and that's alright too.

So please, next time you feel like you've been knocked down or like no amount of sappy music and chocolate can make you feel better, think of the fact that you are human and you have the luxury of being alive in this crazy, hectic, insane, wonderful world.

turn on the 8-track

This week has been a little bit stressful, to say the least. Not just for me, but for everyone, it seems. Whether the stress is over school, work, or just life in general, I know that the world has been weighing pretty heavily on many shoulders this week.

I've realized, with the help of my EXTREMELY patient family and friends, that is you adapt the way you look at your situation, you will get a much better experience out of seemingly tough times. I think this is something I've always been told, but I never really took it to heart until this week. I was too set in my ways to see how true that philosophy really is.

I don't like admitting that I'm wrong, and I don't know anybody else who does. And that is part of the reason why I didn't really think about that idea until now. But looking at it with a truly open mind has allowed me to see that some of the attitudes I have about various things in my life are a lot more negative than they need to be. I need to accept that not everything will be perfect all the time, and that that's just the way life is so I have to deal with it by making the most out of what I'm given.

The same applies to everyone, really. Instead of pitying yourself for days on end, brooding over your "hopeless" situation, find some way to alter your perspective. Not to say that's easy, but you should at least consider a more positive spin.

It's absolutely fine to have a day or two when you feel horrible and have a petite pity party. It's normal, and it's healthy. BUT it's also important to not to allow yourself to sink into that pity until you believe there is no light whatsoever.

Because being miserable gets you no where. If you have the ability to adapt your attitude, you will be much better off in your life. You will be able to take more hardship and rebound with more ease. Going through life hating everything is just plain unhealthy, and no one wants to remember only the bad things.

You have to find the good moments. Pick through the rubble and find something shiny or sparkly that can lighten the situation for you. Find coping mechanisms that work for you. Take a hot bubble bath. Blast your favorite music. Call a friend. Get dressed up. Dance. There has got to be something out there to help you through. You just might have to search for it for a while.

you can't take it with you

After a month of being constantly busy, uninspired, or otherwise distracted, I have finally been drawn back to the blogosphere by a series of rather... unexpected events. I have been rehearsing for a play these past weeks, and we opened on Thursday. Tonight is our final show, and it has been one of the most fun and exhausting experiences I have ever had.

In all, the process for me consisted of several rather nerve-wracking auditions, a massive undertaking of line memorization, internal debates about the supposed "curse" of Macbeth, a trip to the ER and several stitches, a week of rehearsal lost due to hurricane Sandy, a last-minute tickler for the smallest and most polite audience in the world, a surprise visit from a dear friend, and a second performance that involved not one, but TWO full power outages.

But through all of that, I have developed close relationships with many people and have been able to define myself just a little bit more as both an actress and as a person. I think I'm starting to really find my place in the world because of this experience.

For obvious reasons, this past month has been a little hectic. But now the craziness has subsided, and I think I have found a good way to sum up my feelings about all of this.

The play in question is Moss Hart and George Kaufman's "You Can't Take It With You." It is about a rather eccentric but happy family that meets with a rich and snobby family when their children get engaged. In a nutshell, the patriarch of the eccentric family (in our case the matriarch) ends up convincing the families that the marriage is in fact a good idea because the boy and girl deserve to be happy.

The message of the show, in my opinion, is that you should do things the way you want to and value the emotional sentiments of life over the material things. Money is trivial, but happiness can be found if you just relax and let yourself go the direction where your heart is leading you.

All my life, my parents have articulated that message to me in one way or another. The idea has always been that you should be happy above anything else. I've been told not to worry about money, because we get by just fine, and in the end, you're not going to remember WHAT you had or how much, but rather WHO you loved and who loved you and HOW you spent your time.

Though they encourage me to follow my dreams and try to achieve success, my parents have never once tried to tell me what to do with my life. They don't care about my grades as long as I am trying my hardest, and they have always told me that I have OPTIONS in life. There is not one single path that everyone has to take, and mine might be different than other people's.

So this message for me seems like a part of everyday life. It's the truth to me.

But I've realized over the past few years that not everyone has that outlook on life. For some, it's not about how you feel or doing what you love. It's about doing what society tells you to do. Sure, we all know that we're supposed to "follow our dreams" and "reach for the stars." But really, how many people actually do that?

What I'm trying to say is that you should at least consider your life right now. Are you happy? I hope so, but it you're not, why? There is always something that you can do to change your situation, even if it seems like the hardest thing in the world. But isn't a well-lived life worth a little work?

Just some food for thought...

newspaper blown to the ground

a list of things I learned today:

1) Even people who seem incredibly dull, painfully emotionless, or wildly apathetic have feelings. It just takes the right topic to get them going. Don't assume that their lives are nothing like yours just because they don't always let their feelings make some noise. You might be surprised at your similarities.

2) Your actions affect others on a level that even they might not understand. People crave human attention. That's just the way it is. We all need a little love, even if it's just a simple hello or smile. Those tiny, seemingly insignificant gestures could really make a difference in someone's day.

3) People hate people who remind them of themselves. If you take a look at your "arch-nemesis's" personality, you might realize that they represent the things you hate about yourself. Insecurity fosters hostility.
 
4) HUGS ARE POWERFUL. A hand on the shoulder of an upset friend. A reassuring pat on the back. It all makes people feel better. It sends warm, cozy messages to their brain and tells them to calm down. They know that they are loved and appreciated and have people who support them and want them to be happy.

5) Our emotions are strongly affected by the emotions of others. If someone near us is happy, we will most likely smile too. If someone we are interacting with is crying, we feel for them and might tear up too. We empathize with each other and relate the pain of others to our own pain.

6)  It is good to share your feelings. Holding all the pain inside leads to anger or depression. You have to have an outlet for all your emotions. Whether that outlet is art, music, therapy, movies, or whatever it is that helps you release some stress, you should use that to keep yourself sane and healthy, and most importantly, HAPPY.

7) Sometimes you just need to let the past go. There are things that you can't hold on to forever. It's unhealthy and doesn't leave room for the positive things that are happening NOW. Be present and active in the moment instead of holding on to pain from your past. Life will be much easier that way.

anyone and anything at all

Happy. It's such a simple word, and we all use it on a daily basis. But what does it really mean? Happy? Some people will tell you that happiness is success. That happiness is achieving and being good at everything you want to be good at.

Others will tell you that happiness is surrounding yourself with things that you want. Things that you deserve and can use to advance yourself to the next level of bliss. One person might say that happiness is in the little moments when you feel at home, like nothing in the world can stop you.

Some people will say that happiness is being with the people you love, or doing the things you love.

I can't tell you what happiness is. No one can. Because happiness is all relative to you. Happiness varies from person to person, and everyone defines it differently. The one thing I can tell you is that you won't always be happy.

And that's not to say that I don't want you to be. Everyone deserves a little joy in their life. But I DO think it's important to have bad days as well. There are times when we feel worthless or exhausted or just plain sad. And that's okay. You are human, and you have this extraordinary gift called emotion. And emotion isn't always a positive thing. But it IS always very real.

What I'm trying to say is that you should embrace the bad moments too. It may seem like the world is falling to pieces around you, but you can learn from those negative experiences. Take from your bad days and learn how to cope. Learn how to get past the tears or the pain or whatever it is that ails you.

But above all, know that you might have to search a bit to find happiness. It doesn't always fall into your lap like the movies make it seem. Every single person in the world has their own little niche where they feel safe and happy. You might have to work to find it, but it's there.

I encourage you to search for happiness. Whether you've found some already, or if you have yet to locate your niche, there is happiness out there for you. It may not seem like it, but there is. Truly. And don't think that if you don't find it right away that you are forever doomed to a life of misery.

Because honestly, happiness is mostly how you choose to perceive your situation. Life is more beautiful when you see it through bright eyes.

our children will play

This weekend I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with a dear old friend of mine. She has been away at college for the past six weeks, and I have missed her more than I might like to admit. I've known her since I was six, but this past year we became especially close. I think of her as the older sister I never had, but also as one of my closest friends.

I don't know what I would have done without her last year. She was there for me every day, both as a shoulder to cry on and as someone to laugh with. Not having her around has been one of the weirdest experiences for me. And I'm not going to lie, but I was kind of nervous that when we saw each other again, things would be different than before she left. I was worried that we might be strange or awkward around each other.

Which is why I was so very excited to be able to spend some time with her this weekend. And you know what? We got right back in the swing of things. It was like she hadn't even left.

We did talk about our lives, though. I learned all about her life and friends at school, and she got caught up to speed on mine. This weekend reminded me why I am so thankful to have her as my friend. She is still that person I can say anything to, without fear of being judged or pitied. She is still like a sister to me, and after six weeks of being miles apart, that makes me believe that our friendship truly is one that will last a lifetime, and I couldn't be more happy about that.

And now you're wondering why I'm telling you this.

Well, I am telling you this because I want you to think about the people in your life. I want you to think about the relationships in your life. I want you to consider who your friends are and what they truly mean to you.

Are your friends in it for the long haul? Or is your relationship so fragile that it could fall to pieces with just a little time apart?

If you do not know what someone means to you, figure it out! Figure out what you need to do to hold on to the people who mean something to you. If you truly care about someone, if that person is someone who you can just be yourself with, someone you would trust with your life, figure out how to make that relationship work.

Because it's really not worth it to lose someone that precious to you over a little bit of distance and time. I wish you the best of luck.

jealous of the moon

 These past few days have been full of emotion for me. Mostly doubt, but also a little fear and a lot of guilt over not being able to motivate myself to just get up and do something I love. I think that I've allowed myself to get a little lazy, which is something that happens to even the best of us at some point.

That's not to say that we should allow ourselves to be lax. We should figure out WHY we are feeling lethargic and apathetic so that we can fix ourselves up and enjoy our passions again.

And that's not necessarily easy. Sometimes I find myself completely unmotivated to work to achieve my dreams, mostly because I am just so incredibly exhausted. But exhaustion is not an excuse for not giving something your all.

While a big part of my problem, I don't think that laziness is the reason why I feel unmotivated sometimes. I think that I might be scared of what will happen if I do try. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of how I might feel if things don't work out as I hope they will.

But that's no way to live my life. You can't do anything if you are too afraid to try. Sure, I talk the talk and play up dreaming and working hard and never giving up, but I am really just another girl who doesn't always follow that. I am being hypocritical. I am being dishonest to you all, and to myself. And I have to change that.

I challenge the sky with my dreams. I really do.

I try to imagine a life for myself full of rainbows and music and happiness. I dream up a life where I achieve everything I put my mind to. Where I never have to worry about anything. Where I am happy and have done everything I ever set out to do.

In reality, I know that place can't exist. But I still have real dreams. Real hopes and real desires. Ideals that I COULD achieve if I really tried. And I mean honestly try, the kind of trying that takes over you and makes accomplishment inevitable.

But I continue to allow myself to be scared. And if this keeps up I will never get anywhere in accomplishing my goals. I want to change myself and the way I work. I know I have to if I am going to do any of the things I want to. Because I won't reach my goals if I don't take steps towards them.

I will stay exactly where I am until I push myself out of this sorry state and start being a little more fearless. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what I'm afraid of. I know in my head that I might fall a few times. It's just a matter of getting my heart to believe it.

mother nature's sewing machine

"If it's a broken part replace it,

If it's a broken arm then brace it,

If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own,

Know your name, &

Go your own way

Everything will be fine

Everything, in no time

and our hearts will go on"

- Details in the Fabric (by Jason Mraz)

 That song is one that has helped me along more than I might like to admit. The words are applicable to anyone and any situation. It is so simple, and yet so haunting and beautiful. The idea is so basic and seemingly obvious, but somehow contains some of the most wise and insightful lyrics I have ever heard.

I find myself humming this when I feel stressed or worried, and it always calms me down. It reminds me that there are ways of fixing things that are broken or lost, and that I should take a deep breath and remember that everything will be fine. It is so hopeful, so supportive, and I want to share that with all of you. 

We all have had times when we feel like we have to hide from the world, make ourselves so small that we become invisible. But you have the right to be here. You have the right to take up space.

Because, whether you realize it or not, you have something about you that no one else in the whole world has, and that is the undeniable ability to be YOU. Whatever your background or history, you are you. It's just a fact. The best you can do for yourself is to let that shine.

You. It's that simple. All the little awful things in life (the details in the fabric, as it were) are just the scenery. There may be things that make you panic or worry, but they are all just a part of the process of defining yourself, and showing the world, and more importantly, yourself, that you will not back down.

You alone know who you are. I know that sounds tacky and cliche, but it's true. No one else can tell you who to love or what dreams to follow or how to live your life. Because they are not you. And you simply cannot let those outside forces make you feel like any less than you are worth.

Moreover, and perhaps most important of all, you can't beat yourself up. You just can't hate yourself. You can't afford to dwell on your dissatisfactions. All that negativity will just stir around inside you and eat at your soul, and make you miserable for no good reason. 

You see, we are all human. We all make mistakes, and we all have flaws. But those mistakes, those flaws? They DEFINE us. They make us ourselves. They determine how we think and how we dress and how we live. And that is wonderful! Embrace your flaws, because without them you would not be you.

You have passions, and desires, and fears, and all of those things allow you to keep moving forward. Sometimes there will be hiccups, and when there are, you just have to take a deep breath and remember that everything will be fine. Prepare yourself for the next obstacle that life will throw at you. You may be surprised at what you can achieve.

what does "from little awful things" mean?

Someone asked me the other day why I chose "from little awful things" as the title of this blog. I told them that it's just a special phrase to me, but that is putting it in the simplest of forms. The reason that I chose those particular words to represent my blog is layered and somewhat difficult to explain.

In the most basic sense, I chose it because it has a certain ring to it. It leaves a lot to the reader's interpretation, which I think increases the sentimental value of my posts and (hopefully) makes people more inclined to see what this is all about. Leaving it so open-ended allows people to put their personal stories into mine, and apply themselves to each situation I write about, and I think that's pretty cool.

The whole reason that i came up with this phrase in the first place is because my grandmother once said it when speaking about my mother's food arranging abilities. I overheard their conversation from the kitchen one day, and that sentence just stuck with me.

They were talking about some sort of caprese salad, I think. My mother had arranged it to look presentable for dinner guests, and my grandmother said, "It looks so pretty. Your dishes always look so pretty. You have the ability to make the most beautiful arrangements from little awful things."

And so it was born. In a literal sense, the basil and tomatoes and mozzarella cheese that went into that salad were NOT awful, and they did not look bad in the first place. But I like to think that the phrase has a deeper meaning.

I believe it means that gorgeous, wonderful stuff can come from even the most hopeless of situations. There's a certain comfort in thinking that there is hope even in the darkest of times, and I wanted to share that hope with all of you.

Keeping that phrase, "from little awful things," in the back of my mind has helped me remember that there is always a way out. There is always something good that can come out of the rubble. And I hope that my words can help others, even in the slightest of ways.

If I can make one person, just one person, smile or reassess their outlook on life, I will consider this blog an accomplishment. I'm not looking to change lives. I'm just looking to make you think.

take these broken wings

Everyone knows that hard work gets you places in life. However, "hard work" is an ill-defined term for some of us. We dream up goals and expect a little sweat to turn into what we've been hoping for. We don't realize what hard work truly is.

You see, what no one talks about are the twists and turns and ups and downs that will make your path scary. Rarely do people discuss the uncertainty of abandoning a safe path to go down the road that could possibly lead to your dreams. No one mentions that you will almost certainly want to give up at some point, if even for just a split-second.

But hard work is the blood, sweat, and tears that eliminate giving up from your list of options. It is the overwhelming passion that you harbor for your dreams. It is the complete and utter devotion to your cause, no matter how tough things get.

Hard work is learning from your mistakes and bouncing back with ten times the determination you started with. Hard work is pushing past your weaknesses, all in the name of your heart's desire. Of course, rebounding from a down can take any amount of time: an hour, a week, maybe more. But what's important is that you don't lose all hope for your cause, whatever that may be.

All too many people go through life with regrets about all the things they gave up on or never got around to doing. The people who dare to challenge themselves and follow their passions not only reach their dreams, but they don't have to wonder about how life could have been, because they are living it.

So don't be afraid to make mistakes, and don't be scared of what could happen, because if you work hard and push yourself to come back from the tough times, you will be rewarded with your dreams. You can reach your goals if you just  realize that the path is never straight or clear, and that you will have to take chances and things will be uncertain. And it will be scary, but in the end, isn't a little adrenaline worth it?

to days of inspiration

It's one thing to rattle off a few overused cliches and call it a day, but it's another to actually find motivation in small bits all around you.

What I've discovered over the past week or so is that you cannot expect inspiration to just come looking for you and POOF there it is, like an obedient dog with the morning paper. No, you have to work to find inspiration, just as with anything else.

In order to reach your goals and follow your dreams, you must be able to draw from the world around you to find motivation to keep hiking on towards your destination.You have to learn how to see the light in a baby's eyes, and the persistence of those first few flowers that pop up when spring rolls around. You must teach yourself to love the world around you, because it supports you. Not only providing you with oxygen and nutrition from nature, but also with friends and family and teachers, at least one of whom will want you to succeed.

People believe in each other. We have great faith in the potential of other human beings, because their potential reflects ours. We want our friends and family to succeed because we want them to be happy, to be everything that they want to be, and more. There is nothing more satisfying.

So USE that support to your advantage. Allow your friends to ask you how you're doing. Let your parents boast about your achievements, and let them worry a little bit about you. And do the same for them. We are here to support each other, not to partake in some sick competition to see who can "go farther" in life.


I ask you today to pause and take a moment to reflect on the inspiration in your life. Though it may not always feel like it, it's there. It may be in the form of a loved one by your side, or a letter from a mentor, or even something as small as a bumper sticker. But as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, it is there somewhere.

I beg you not to let go of your dreams, because there are ways to get past the bad days. And there will always be bad days, even after you have reached your goals. The best part is that there will always be goals, always be something higher that we have yet to reach.

You see, life is a growing experience. You are entitled to a few embarrassing moments, and one or two secrets that you may never share. You are able- no, encouraged- to dream and to be the best you can possibly be. But more importantly you are human. You are allowed to make mistakes along the way.

And that's the beauty of living.

i will follow you into the dark

Dear Friend,

I've known you for a while now. You are part of my family, and part of me. I think of you every day, and remember how lucky I am to have a friend like you. You, with your sarcasm and bizarre sense of humor. Your laugh, and the way your eyes light up when you get excited. That intense look you get when you're thinking really hard, trying to figure out a math problem. Your "hello"s, which, even if you saw me yesterday, still arrive cheerful and genuine.

You are everything to me. Without you I could not stay sane, truly. You keep me grounded, but you also help me escape when the stress starts in. You help me every day, reminding me of important things and giving me advice. You sing with me, and dance with me, and it's wonderful.

With you, I'm allowed to be silly. You are safe, and I trust you with my entire being. Really.

I cannot think of a better way to spend my day than with you. You motivate me to be better, to work harder, to be the best me that I possibly can. And that is more than any girl could ever ask for. The moment when I first realized that you were my friend, the world changed.

Things started looking brighter, because I knew that you were something special. And I was right. You have lived up to every expectation of friendship. You comfort me. You laugh with me. But most importantly you respect me. And I respect you.

You see that's what friendship is, mutual respect. Sincere, genuine appreciation. Fully accepting someone for who they are and all the scars that come along with that. But you haven't flinched away from me. Not once. And for that I thank you.


Love you to the moon, past there, and back again.

how to unfold your love

American society places a lot of emphasis on being well-rounded. We are encouraged to branch out and try new things and become good at everything we can. The idea is to make yourself versatile and and all-around champion. Which, in and of itself, is not such a bad idea.

People SHOULD try to be versatile and flexible and have options, because options allow for choices, and choices allow for opportunity, and opportunity allows for a chance at what you truly want. And that's all anyone can ask for.

But then it turns into everyone being mediocre at a lot of things, instead of finding one passion and mastering that passion to be the best you can possibly be. You MUST be academically proficient in all subject areas, and you must be at the intermediate level of dance, and you must be socially accepted, and you must know what you want to do with your life. All at the same time.

Life becomes a workload, a burden. You wake up every morning dreading school or work and by the time you're ready to go to dance class, you're too tired from the school day and 4 hours of homework. You go to sleep exhausted and wake up 6 hours later, starting the cycle all over again.

Well, I think that's no way to live. Truly. We simply CANNOT be wonderful at everything we do, and settling for mediocrity at a lot of things is an injustice to yourself. Everybody has the potential to create something amazing out of their lives, but that requires focus. No one ever got anywhere trying to do everything at once.

Yes, we should work hard and try to keep our options open, especially in school, but there is a line that we all should draw. There is a difference between putting in effort and putting in more than you can afford to give.

We all have to make sacrifices for our dreams, and for some of us that means that we have to cut back just a little on the academics to make way for our true passion, whatever that may be. Of course, some people's passion IS academics, and that's great too.

So today I am requesting that you take a look at your life and see what you can make out of it. I guarantee that you will find at least one thing to focus on. When you identify that, embrace it. Don't ever stop working your hardest or putting in effort, but just weigh your workload accordingly.

You have the potential to be something incredible, to master one thing that will hopefully enrich your life and make you happier. Don't let yourself get gypped out of a world of wonderful. 

little boxes made of ticky-tacky

It's days like these that I remember why the world of theater and dance is such an amazing place, where people of all ages, talents, sizes, races, preferences, religions, backgrounds, and educations can come together to be a family. Regardless of the past, the future, or sometimes, the present, that family will care for you and respect you no matter what. If only the rest of the world could just get over all their differences and accept each other, love each other, like that... things might work a lot differently.

I went out in the real world today after a summer full of charismatic theatrical folks and dancers who couldn't care less about my age or my grades or who I hang out with. I went into today expecting that everyone would treat each other just like those dancers and singers and actors had treated each other and myself: with complete, genuine respect and love.

But I was sorely disappointed.

Maybe it is just that I had such a spectacular summer that I just have too much to compare today to. Maybe it's just that it was an unusually wonderful summer, complete will an unusually wonderful group of talented, friendly people. Or maybe I have changed so much over this summer that I just never noticed how incredibly off-putting my community can be.

The world I spent today in is full of fake smiles and hidden pain. Buried hostilities and apparent grudges reign over these people. Flawless exteriors mask insecurities the size of Jupiter, and the scent of unfulfilling money clings to most of their clothes and watches and bags. The negativity in the air made me feel like I was suffocating from excessive cologne and caked-on makeup. And I couldn't stand it. 

I forgot over this amazing vacation that the world is NOT all just like the theater. People will not spontaneously burst out in song, and most of them have difficulty just smiling and accepting the fact that you are quirky just like them.

The world is not the theater, but it most certainly IS a stage. The stiff drones roaming around me today reminded me of the strong expectations that the world has for most of us. We are expected to do all of these meaningless, joyless things to make people act like they like us, but all for what? For a chance to spend 30 minutes with them at lunch, talking the whole time but saying nothing? For what?

And that's not to say that every one in that world was like that. Oh, there were plenty who appreciate wisdom and free thought, self expression. People who really respect themselves and appreciate others for who they really are. But they were few and far between where I was today.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that that world, that lifeless, boring, conventional world, is not how I want to live. Even if I am the only one who will break free of the mold and be myself just because I want to, I will do that. And as much as I can, I will encourage others to cherish themselves as well. The world needs more music.

the days before the day we die

and now I present: a few words of wisdom...

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant. They too have their story.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love- for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of the spirit to shield you from misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right and a reason to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."

- Max Ehrmann

how to beat the ones who outdrew you

We are told from a very young age that we are all equal, that we all are unique and special just the way we are. That much, in my opinion, is true. Regardless of race, class, creed, gender, preference, or physical/ mental ability, we ALL have something amazing that we can offer this world and we all have the potential to reach our highest goals. That, I will always believe.

But it seems to me that sometimes that idea is taken too far. We’re told that we are all winners all the time. In school, they do away with competition because losing hurts kids too much.

The part they forget to mention is that in the REAL world, that’s not the way it is. There is all sorts of injustice and inequality and ignorance and prejudice and competition, as horrible as all of those things are. It's just a fact. And we all have to get hurt at some point. We all have to lose sometimes. That is the way life works.

They forget to mention that.

But I believe that for every time you lose, there will be another two times when you come out on top. And for every time some idiot says some twisted, bigoted, moronic cliche, there will be two more warm-hearted, kind people who think the world of you. There’s always a silver lining, but we have to understand that everyone has to weather a few storms.

In fact, the more storms we weather, the easier the storms get. We learn how to handle loss and rejection and pain and suffering and all those little guilty feelings that can really drag a person down. If they taught us that we have to learn to handle all the bad stuff, that would really be much more beneficial than just making us think that the world is perfect and that we are all perfect and that nothing will ever go wrong.

Mind you, EVERY person has the potential to be whatever they want to be and to love whomever they want to love, and to go wherever they want to go, and NOBODY and NOTHING can hold you back if you want something enough. You just have to remember that just because you dream it doesn't mean it will pop up out of nowhere and get handed to you on a silver platter.

We have to work, and sweat, and bleed, and cry to achieve the things that we dream of. And the beauty of that is that once we get there, we can appreciate it even more.  

We must try to remember that life is not only full of love, joy, passion, excitement, success, beauty, music, and friendship, but also that life should be- must be- full as well with sorrow, tears, grief, guilt, hate, sadness, mediocrity, disappointment, loss, failure, silence, illness, a little bit of loneliness, and a whole lot of pain.

It is all we can do to take these negative things and turn them into something worth remembering.

go hang your heart on any tree

All too many people go through their lives the same way every day, going through the same routines, thinking the same thoughts, feeling the same feelings. Sometimes I feel like (okay, I AM) one of those people. There are times when I get so set in my routines that it's like I don't even have to think to get through my day. Which is fine on occasion, but isn't life supposed to be exciting and different and adventurous and daring?

Maybe it's a matter of allowing spontaneity to creep into your regimen. And I guess that spontaneity is something I'm not super comfortable with. I mean, it's a bit scary, don't you think? Not knowing exactly what's coming. Unsure of whether or not you will be able to follow through on your previous plans. No clue what you are going to have to do next. Yeah! It's uncomfortable.

But... what would life be without a little discomfort? We would have nothing to compare luxury to. We would have no motivation to search for happiness. It would defeat the will to move past discomfort, and that, to me, is a defeat of the human spirit.

I realize that I have to allow myself a little wiggle room. I need to make space for spontaneity in my life, and I have to be willing to let the rigid structure of my daily life become more liquid, more free. I have to be able to release my inhibitions and just roll with the punches.

If I move past my fear of discomfort, I will be able to experience so many more wonderful, exciting things and hopefully I will come to see the world just a little bit more clearly because of it.

fade in on a girl

I'm in one of those poetic, thinky moods today.

It's like I want to figure out everything about myself and the world around me. I'm analyzing the trees, the sky, the middle-aged couple playing tennis on the court near my house. The trees are especially green, and the sky has some indistinct clouds in the distance.

I imagine that there are castles in those far-off clouds, and a long-lost princess is on her way there by hot air balloon. I find myself making up stories about the couple, how the man is a business guy and this is one of his few days home out of the week, and how the woman is secretly having an affair with their accountant. It's not that I believe these people are actually unhappy. I'm sure they are lovely, content people. That story is just the way my mind is thinking today.

Beyond all the physical make-believes, I'm scrutinizing myself. My personality, my imagination, my intelligence. It isn't a negativity self-pity fest, don't get me wrong. It's just my way of figuring out who I am and what I'm here for. Because we're all here for something, right?

And it's not like I'll ever know for certain exactly what my true calling is. I just like the idea that I am putting in effort to search for that special something that makes me...me. The way I see it, I'll learn plenty about myself along the way, even if I never figure out specifically why I am here in the first place. And really, that's all anyone can ask for. A chance at figuring herself out.